Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Weekend Reads: The Rapture Readiness edition

It's come to my attention that the end of world is scheduled for this Saturday. At six. Since I don't actually know what time zone that was for you might want to be ready for Friday around 6:00 in case it starts in China.

Although, I should mention, there might have been a misinterpretation of the etymological underpinnings of the ancient Mayan info and we might actually not be experiencing the rapture, but rather "the raptor", as illustrated here. Personally, I'm prepared. I've watched "How to Train Your Dragon" enough times to know that a little kindness with hulking reptilians goes a long way.

In order to prepare for possible, maybe, imminent demise I've made some preparations. Using The Burning House blog for inspiration, I've pillaged my house to determine just what to pack for the journey (because obviously, I have a first class ticket).

Writing tools. Manual mode. The "computer" doesn't need a power source and comes with a super duper cute suitcase so, *hair flip*, it's a no-brainer.

A plush toy to buy off any Raptors. This one has opalescent wings so I feel it's got a little something extra over standard raptor bribe toys.

Also, a model spaceship - that way I'll have a guide in case mine needs any repairs. This one even comes with some little model people so we can do role playing. I'm hand crafting some hats for the models much like in this reference material.

Some reading material:

Hyperspace - I haven't opened it but maybe it has maps.  
Cradle to Cradle - I mean that makes sense, right?  
Language, Existence and God - I think all of these will be pretty crucial when ending the world.
2000 Most Obscure Challenging and Obscure Words - I'll finally have some time for this one.
If the Buddha Came to Dinner - In case I have to throw any dinner parties in the after world I think I'll need a guide - not sure I can throw something together on the fly when serving dieties.
The Book of Answers - I have a feeling this will get loaned out and never returned.

A collection of dieties and religious reference material- you never know who you're going to meet, best to be prepared. Plus, two of my dieties are the "destroyer of obstacles" and one is supposed to bring cash, money, bling-bling and happiness. I'm ok with them coming and hanging out in my purse in case...

A really old light meter and a hat. I don't know which direction we're going in - to or from the sun, so I'll bring a hat and some photo preparedness. I'll be bringing my camera too but try as I might, I spun around in circles for an hour and just couldn't get a good shot of it...

The fruity, citrus taste of Sauvignon Blanc really speaks to the occasion, no?

Cream Soda. I'm positive the rapture tastes like vanilla, you cannot convince me otherwise.

Biscoff, because seriously, the two pack they give you on the plane is never enough. I might pop to the store and pick up another sleeve...

And glittery exaggerated cat eye glasses. They aren't my prescription but once I drink up that bottle of wine and only have cookies to eat I'll be lit like an Ab Fab character – might as well dress the part.

Not pictured? My "Stop Hammer Time" t-shirt. I'll be wearing it.

Now, hypothetically, I could miss the flight. In which case I'll be participating in some other activities. Namely: looting for cool cameras and coffee cans filled with cash.

If you would like to join me there are ample opportunities....

On Facebook, for example.

You can click the button on the left for me!

Or Craigslist.

I saw someone on Twitter was having a party and bringing clam dip. How could you miss that?

I've also written a playlist. This was difficult. I was faced with the perplexing decision of giving my musical accompaniment a theme - and should it be tragic or excited? Melancholy or amped-up? Wistful, filled with Sarah Mclachlan-esque songs a la "I will Remember You" that pop up every year around graduation time – 18 year olds holding hands and making teary eyes thinking they'll be "best-friends-forever-ever" before venturing off and realizing the rest of life is SO MUCH MORE AWESOME?

Sorry. I got carried away.

Anyway. After a moment of thought (literally, it was only a moment), it became clear to me there was really only one way to begin my playlist to the key of Rapture...with "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters.


And no, R.E.M never had a chance with that grating "End of the World As We Know it" business...

Other items on my playlist of doom? I mean I don't actually love all these but you know, I offer them in case they are selections you want to add...also, I'm isolating to hip hop/rap because otherwise we would be here until the literal end of the world.

Say Goodbye - The Black Eyed Peas (the old, good version of The Black Eyed Peas) 
Stop Being Greedy - DMX. I'm dedicating this to the hoarders and looters.
Spaceship - Kanye West. What's up Xenu? Bring it.
Beware the Boys (normal or Jay-Z Remix) - Panjabi MC. Because if I don't have some Panjabi/Indian/Asian rap at my final dance party I will lose it...
Hey Ma - Cam'ron. Lyrically this is quintessential end of the world activity.
Music - the Rick Sermon and Marvin Gaye mix. Again, no Marvin Gaye at the end of the world? Unheard of.
The entire Michael Jackson compendium. Actually no. None of that whiny stuff, just the dance floor beats. If I don't include this someone will inevitably request it and we'll be out of luck, so I'll throw it on the mix for the after hours part of the party, or for when everyone is all ho-hum glum and need to get up and dance. Either/or.

NOT on my playlist? Grease Lightening. Seriously people.

I also have some picket signs I've been working (not hard) on. Feel free to borrow and print any you'll need:

Hopefully this leaves you a little more prepared for the apocalypse. Enjoy your trip...or treasures a-plundered. 


mary {lifeinspired} said...

this, hands down, has completely made my day.

happy end of the world to you :)

Ashley said...

Love this post. How much? So much.

And I know he's there 'cause he's a raptor, but I would just like to say I super-duper love the solidarity of a child's dinosaur being a photo prop in a blog post.

I think I'll be printing the raptor pic and the "I'll watch your pets" sign to put on my office door. Thanks.

Sylvie @ Gourmande in the Kitchen said...

This is great, one can never be too prepared right? I've much to accomplish in the next few days if I'm going to get all my supplies though, b/c at this point I've only got the Book of Answers and the Biscoff cookies. You think those will do? :-)

Tara said...

Did I ever mention I'm technically one quarter raptor? My mother's mother was raptor. *rustles Tricia's sleeve of Biscoff*

Brandi {not your average ordinary} said...

Rapture, eh? Can anyone give me a guarantee? Because I'm thinking about skipping class this Friday then. Velociraptors would be WAY cooler though.

Krystal said...

this was SO entertaining!!!!