Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Mable's Not-So-Greatest Hits

Remember Mable? Of course you do.

I was thinking of her today. I'm in the midst of doing a bunch of make-ahead meals. Some 50 pumpkin pancakes, and 30+ muffins later I moved on to the lunch items. Which is when I pulled out the crock pot...and if there is a crock pot then Mable must be close at hand.

Actually, luckily, I'm not using a Mable recipe. Why luckily? Because Mable has some nasty sounding stuff in her repertoire. I'm sorry to do this to you but I have to share.

I'm not so sure if Mable ever left the country. You see, Mable's "ethnic" recipes are, um, how shall we say...not ethnic. Maybe it was those fabulous convenience items bedecking the pantries of 1950's-60's America that swayed her...or maybe it was pure lunacy.

Regardless here are some fabulous ingredient combinations I think you'll enjoy:

East Indian Snack - featuring Rice Chex and soy sauce (eyebrow raised)

Fondue Italiano - featuring "one envelope spaghetti sauce mix" (A what? Do they still make that?)

Swiss Beef Birds - who cares what's in it, what the hell is a "beef bird"? Is that like a turducken?

Rathskeller Pork - Don't worry, I looked it up, apparently it's a "German Bar"...because all German bars use condensed cream of asparagus soup when making pork in the crock pot. (both eyebrows are now raised)

Liver Pâté Bon Appetit - I can even get into this one, the heaving and gagging involved would be far too vulgar. (mouth agape)

Welsh Rarebit - featuring 1 pound of processed American Cheese. No! No, no, no, no, no! (now incredulous agape mouth)

And what can only be described as an entirely American circa 1960's invention: Overstuffed Tuna-Egg Salad Rolls, wherein sandwich rolls are stuffed with a combination tuna and egg salad, laden with mayonnaise, and then stuck in a crock-pot to simulate the horror of a hot day's picnic and to grow some exponential number of food-borne illnesses. Holy mother of death, Mable! Why?

Having just had my own lovely run-in with food poisoning I can't, in good conscience, serve my family a Mable recipe. So alas, other sources had to be called in. I'm sorry Mable. I love you but your Americanized Chicken Chop Suey isn't on the list this month.

Lest you leave with a terrible taste in your mouth I'll give you a "good" crockery cookery recipe to mull over. In the spirit of the season I give you:

Padré Punch (Padré? No idea)
From: Crockery Cookery by Mable Hoffman, 1975

1 (6z) can frozen orange juice, partially thawed
3 orange juice cans worth of water (2 1/4 cups)
1 queart apple cider
5 whole cloves
2 cinnamon sticks
1 tsp ground nutmeg
3/4 tsp ground ginger
Orange slices

Combine orange juice, water, cider, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger in crock-pot. Cover and heat on low 4-6 hours. Garnish with orange slices.

Bon Appetit!

3 comments:

Kate L said...

Tricia, I have a cookbook like that too- "The Delmarva Farmer's Cookbook" from 1972. My friend Adam gave it to me as a joke, and I treasure it for its unintentionally-hilarious contributor photos (think coke-bottle glasses, polyester tie-neck blouses, feathered hairdos and pet Dachshunds), hints on "ways to reduce" (which includes the ever-popular cottage cheese diet), and my favorite recipe, "Mystery Sparkle Salad" (which includes diced tomatoes, sugar substitute, and raspberry gelatin).

It's so awful it's good.

Tricia said...

I can't get over Mystery Sparkle Salad! I can't! Amazing!

Melissa said...

oh my gosh... i HAVE a packet of spaghetti sauce mix in my pantry. I have no idea how it got there or where it came from but it's been there for years! I'm too afraid to do anything with it but for some reason, I've never thrown it out. Maybe it will be useful if there is some kind of epic flood or earthquake and I need to survive on my own for 72 hours...